Perspective

Perspecitve. It changes everything.

When I was left a widow at the young age of 29 in suburban Chicago, I felt as though my story was one of the most tragic I had ever known. When I compared my life to those around me in the affluent suburb in which I lived, I seemed to be so alone. I felt as though everyone else lived happily in their marriages with their beautiful children and in their comfortable homes. I know better now.

After Mark died, I traveled back to Africa with my in-laws. We visited a widow's colony and I met women who were not only widowed, but forced to live on their own, barely surviving. They lived together as a community and the organization that I was with was there to build them a well for fresh water. My eyes filled with tears as the reality of what I was experiencing sank in. It was difficult to comprehend and it certainly wiped out any self pity that I was experiencing.

Yes, I was widowed. Yes, I had experienced grief on a very deep level. Yes, my heart ached for my husband who I missed with everything in me. However, I was a young American woman who lived in a country in which I was free to pursue work and goals and dreams. I was also supported by those around me. The community didn't shun me, but instead supported me. I had much to be grateful for.

In this African village we were touring, we were allowed into the homes of some of the residents. These homes, which were mud huts, were taken care of with pride even though there was nothing to them. In one of them, I noticed a hand made wall hanging on the otherwise bare mud walls. It said, "Learn to appreciate even the little that God gives you."

Wow. That hit something so deep within me. It challenged me beyond measure.

Whatever your circumstance, wherever you may be, learn to live in gratitude. If these women in Africa can, certainly most of us can as well. It is a better way to live.

Love. Serve. Give.

A photo of the wall hanging.

If you are a widow and are interested in visiting and serving widows in Africa or India, please let me know. You can contact me through Purposeful Wanderings (www.purposefulwanderings.com) at sarah@purposefulwanderings.com

Read about the city of widows in India:CNN article on widow city in India

Thought provoking article from New York Times

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June 2, 2012

Out of Tragedy, a Good Life

By OLYMPIA J. SNOWE

Washington

WHEN I was growing up, I would never have guessed that I could become a United States senator. Both of my parents — my father a Greek immigrant, my mother the child of immigrants — died before I was 10 years old. My aunt, who worked in a textile mill, and my uncle, who was a barber, took me in, and when my uncle died, my aunt struggled on her own to support me and my five cousins.

I realized early on that I had a choice: allow myself to become overwhelmed by tragedies or learn something from them. And thankfully, as I was surrounded by the twin strengths of family and faith, I was positioned to view any setbacks as temporary, not permanent.

These early experiences with hardship also showed me that, while politics wasn’t high on the menu of choices for women in the 1960s, I wanted to be involved in some form of public service, in improving the lives of others. So I majored in political science at the University of Maine and found summer jobs in government, first working for the Office of Economic Opportunity, then the governor’s office. My ultimate goal was to gain employment in Washington after I graduated.

Fate, however, would intervene in my well-laid plans. I ended up marrying instead and stayed in Maine, where I served on the local Board of Voter Registration and worked for William S. Cohen, then a congressman. My husband was in the Maine House of Representatives. But then, one day while I was at work, I received the devastating news that he had been killed in a car accident returning from the Legislature.

At 26 years old, I was left to build a life for myself.

In the following weeks, while I grieved, friends and political leaders began urging me to run in the special election for my husband’s seat. In the midst of my emotional turmoil I realized I could try once again to make something positive out of a terrible negative. I had a degree in political science and a drive to make a difference in people’s lives. So I ultimately decided to run — and I won.

I have never once actually assembled a résumé, but the rest, as they say, is history. After I served in the Maine House of Representatives and State Senate, my aspiration of securing a job in Washington was fulfilled (though in a slightly different manner than I had originally envisioned). I was elected to the United States House of Representatives in 1978 and, in 1994, the United States Senate.

The point is, little could I have known that a 40-year journey in elective office would commence just four years after my graduation, with a horrific event that could have been the end for me, rather than a beginning. I would never have wanted to face a crucial career choice at that perilous personal juncture, but it reminded me once again that it is possible to distill triumph from adversity. Because it’s not a question of whether you will encounter difficulties in life; it’s really a question of how you confront them.

Olympia J. Snowe is a Republican senator from Maine.

Our Favorite Month - Submitted by another young widow

October is coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. It was our favorite month of the year. And now for the first time I have to live through that special month alone without my husband. We always made so many memories in October. We went on a Caribbean Cruise the year I turned 30 and I got to celebrate that milestone birthday on a beautiful Caribbean island. We always took our annual trip to a local orchard and pumpkin patch to pick out our selection of pumpkins to decorate our front porch with. My husband proposed to me on bended knee on a cool October night. And when it came time to pick the month in which we would be married, we mutally agreed to our favorite month. In a few short weeks I will have to endure the pain that I can not escape. Our wedding anniversary is October 14. It would have been our first anniversary. For the rest of my life I will never get to celebrate that wonderful day with my husband. It will now be a day that I will forever dred every year. My husband and I were not blessed in years but only weeks. I lost my husband in a car crash just nine weeks after we were married and four days before what would have been our first Christmas together. I wish I could fast forward these next few months and start with January again. But I know I can not out run the fall season. It's coming and all I can do is brace myself for the impact of pain that will follow.

No Immediate Solution

I was contacted today by another young widow who asked me about how to deal with the feelings of being so alone in the grief. It has been months since her husband's death and she said no one really asks her about him anymore. She is hurt by this and yet doesn't necessarily want to talk about him either. It is confusing and enraging.

I remember this. I remember the contradicting feelings and the frustration of not knowing what to do with them. You do your best to control them and suppress the immense anger you feel. However, is it healthy? What are the healthiest ways in which to deal with the anger and stress of grief? How does one deal with such intense loneliness and anger and stress and sadness all bottled up within?

I want to say that there is a perfect solution. I want to be able to tell others that you can just do this or that and it makes it all better. The sad truth is that there really isn't much I can say. There are small things here and there. Small choices that added up create a path of healing. It is just that it isn't fast. It doesn't satisfy our desire for an immediate solution and it is a long, hard road.

The best advice I can perhaps give is to choose to find gratitude in your life every day. It can be as simple as food to eat, shelter over your head, your health or your job. Whatever it is, in choosing gratitude, you will eventually choose life. You will eventually choose a much happier life than the one you find yourself in now.

In dealing with the anger, I chose not to dwell in it, which was difficult and something I had to do daily, even hourly. I made myself acknowledge the good in my life, even when it seemed so small. I made myself do something new or I would exercise so that I would feel an endorphin high and ultimately find some gratitude. In doing so, these small expressions of gratitude blossomed and a garden of thanks grew.

Life will continue to throw its difficulties our way. Our job is to determine how we will respond. Life can be a difficult journey, but one in which somewhere along the way, if you choose gratitude, you find yourself eventually out of the darkness, feeling the sun on your face again as you notice the people smiling beside you.

Notes from 30,000 feet (12/8/2011)

As we descend from amongst the clouds and I see the snow frosted peaks cascading into the blanket of barren brown land below, my heart is made heavy. I want it back.

He was killed descending into a mountainous land. His plane crashed and burst into flames. A million pieces scattered on the dry land below. A million pieces of my heart broken. A million smiles and moments of laughter lost.

There is no going back. I must move forward.

Be courageous little girl. You are a grown woman now. You have opportunities and love and life to be lived out. Move those heavy feet and tired soul, you will be renewed. You will find the strength to move on when you take that first step.

The plane lands and I reluctantly step out onto the brown soil below. A new day. A new beginning. Another chance at life. Another opportunity for smiles and laughter and new love.

A Perspective on Suffering

“Althought the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
Helen Keller

I have traveled the world and I have seen much suffering. Perhaps one of the most helpful perspectives that I was given, was visiting widows and orphans in Africa. Seeing the situation that they were in completely challenged me in my state of self-pity. I was completely devastated and heartbroken by 

the loss of my husband. However, I did have family and friends to help take care of me. I had food to eat and a home to live in. I live in a country in which I can be a self-sufficient working woman. Some of these women and children in Africa were literally starving and without family. They live in a world in which it is difficult for a woman to provide on her own.
Learning to turn my hurt towards helping others greatly relieved my pain. It was easy to do while there, but it became a struggle again when back in the US. Selfish in nature, it is a constant struggle to give to others, although it is the best thing we can do. It is the most healing and it is what we are called to do.

From We to Me

A former co-worker and friend lost her husband to cancer a year ago. She expresses some of her feelings and experiences beautifully in her blog, From We to Me. Thank you for sharing Amy! You are a remarkable woman!

"The day is here.  One year.

One year without my husband.  Best friend.  Lover."

From We to Me

fromwetome.blogspot.com

The Heart That Breaks

This morning as I drove to my fitness class in Venice, I passed many homeless men and women walking on the sidewalks. There seemed to be more than usual, and I watched from my car as they dug through the trash while gathering plastic bottles and searching for food. One man, who looked particularly dirty, was turning in circles over and over and over again. My heart ached for him and as I drove past, I found myself praying specifically for him. Who takes care of this poor man? This poor man who is obviously mentally unstable and alone? I couldn't shake the depression that washed over me. I pass by homeless men and women almost every day and so I wondered why it bothered me so much more today than other days. Perhaps it is because there were so many more, or perhaps it is because tomorrow marks what would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary had my husband not died 5 years ago in a plane crash.

Over the past five years I have had many friends and family surround me and help me in ways that have sustained me. I have built a "new" life and I am now engaged and soon to marry a wonderful man. This, however, does not mean I never grieve the past. Planning a wedding while dealing with the emotions of what would have been an eleven year wedding anniversary to a now deceased spouse is confusing and emotional. How could it not be? Life goes on, yes. But the heart does not forget the ones we loved and love still. Life is not black and white. To me, it seems mostly grey.

As I think about the support and love I received from others, I feel responsible to help those in need in return. To further solidify this feeling, I read the following verse today:

2 corinthians 1: 3-4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."


I may not be able to do much, but I can do something. We all can. That said, tomorrow I am going to pass out sandwiches to the homeless men and women on the street that I pass. Most importantly, I am going to do it with a smile because perhaps what they need most. We all need love and we need to feel important. Taking a few moments to look someone in the eye and show them you see them and that you care, can mean the world. I know it has always meant the world to me.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. " Havelock Ellis (1859 - 1939 )British psychologist

I came across this quote today and as I read it, I nodded in agreement. As a young widow, I struggled to find the balance of letting go of my grief for Mark, yet holding on to the memories and the love we shared. There was often confusion, guilt, and pain in learning how to live without him. They say time heals, and it does. However, it doesn't let you fully forget. I can look back on the past 5 years and say I did my best to live life in a way that honored Mark, yet allowed me to move towards a new life without him. This is what I knew he would want and ultimately what I knew I needed to do as well. It is amazing to look back and see what a struggle it was. To look back and see how much I kicked and screamed to let go of him and how I thought I was honoring him by "hanging on." I have learned to think differently about it now and I have done my best to move forward while also remembering, honoring, and loving him forever. He has made me a better person and I will always cherish him. 

Too Many Young Widows

Last night I received yet another email from someone reaching out to me because they have someone in their life who has been widowed too young. It amazes me how many young widows I now know and how many have become friends. As I spent some quiet time alone this morning, I was struck with the idea to post a blog in which other young widows and widowers could find some community. My desire is that those who have been widowed, or those who know young widows/widowers, can post their thoughts and seek advice from others. That said, if you are a young widow/widower or close to someone who is and you want to publish on this blog, please contact me at: wauterlek@mac.com.

Blessings and peace,

Sarah

Young Widow: A Memoir

Click here to Purchase Sarah's book, Young Widow: A Memoir

Young Widow is a raw and expressive journal of the year following the unexpected death of Sarah’s husband, Mark. At only 29 years old and without children, Sarah had to deal with the loss of her husband, lover, and best friend. She writes about the feelings, events, struggles, and inspiration she experiences over the following year. Young Widow is an uncensored look into the feelings and experiences of a young widow in the midst of her grief.

Quotes from Young Widow: A Memoir:

"Time is a difficult thing to measure. You measure it in seconds, minutes, hours, days, and so on. However, in the initial moments of tragedy it feels as though time ceases to be a tangible thing to measure. It feels as though it stops altogether, and yet, somehow, minutes, hours, and days continue to go by. What once seemed like a twenty-four-hour period of time no longer feels the same. I don’t remember the passing of time that afternoon when I found out Mark had died. I simply remember John, Vicky, Mike, and myself sitting in the suffocating silence of my living room. We sat there staring quietly at the ceiling as the clock kept ticking, but all of our hearts had stopped beating."

"Shock is a thief. It steals reality from you, as well as entire passages of time. However, it ironically acts as your protector. It keeps you from feeling the full magnitude of the sorrow. It allows it in, but only in manageable pieces. Piece by piece you eventually feel all the sorrow but still have lost the passages of time. Shock simply won’t let you feel the reality and the intensity of all the many losses that the one loss fully represents. Shock is perhaps the best word to describe my feelings in the days after Mark’s death. I am able to recall only fragments of my life at that time. For that I am grateful. I don’t want to remember those days."

In the midst of my grief, I searched for resources to help me and found that there were few for young widows/widowers. There were also very few books that dealt with the journey of the first year after the loss of a spouse in the form of a journal or memoir. Most books I found were written as “what to expect” and also written years after the author had experienced the loss. The most comforting book that I read was CS Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. Using this as inspiration, I decided to look into having my own journal published as a means to help other young widows, young widowers, and their family and friends who seek to understand and support them in their grief.

-Sarah 

Author Information: Sarah Wauterlek

Video of Sarah's Story

“I am a travel enthusiast, photographer, runner, foodie, writer, teacher, adventure-seeker, lover of laughter, lover of people, and lover of life. In the last five years, I have especially found that life is full of great adventure and satisfaction when you say “yes” to the opportunities that you are given and in return you give back to those in need.”

Sarah was raised in Minnesota and at the impressionable age of fourteen she traveled with her Father, an Ophthalmologist, on a medical mission trip to Ghana, Africa. Having lived a comfortable life in suburban Minnesota, she was overwhelmed with the poverty that she saw on her first trip to the third world. It greatly impacted her life decisions moving forward and it was because of the experience and the inspiration of her Father that she wanted to pursue a career that would help others. As a result, Sarah attended Bethel University and graduated with a BA in Elementary Education. She taught first and second grade for seven years in both Minnesota and Illinois. She received a Masters in Education and was part of leadership initiatives.

In 2007 after losing her husband, Mark, in a plane crash, she decided to change careers.  At this time she was informed that the photographs she took in Africa for her Mother In-Law’s charity, Hands of Hope, helped to raise thousands of dollars for them. As a result, she decided to pursue photography as a profession by enrolling in classes at Columbia College. The following years Sarah spent traveling around the world taking photographs for various charities as Sarah Wauterlek Photography. She has exhibited her work downtown LA and was chosen as a semi-finalist for RAW artists.

Sarah met Tania Martin on a trip to India in 2009 and in discovering their combined passion for travel and charity work, they founded Traveler’s Gift Vacations. With extensive travel experience and knowledge of charity work world wide, Sarah and Tania design custom vacations in countries all around the world for individuals, corporate, and alumni groups seeking to combine purpose and luxury in travel. In 2011 Traveler's Gift Vacations was selected as a winner for the British Airways Face of Opportunity contest and has been featured recently on KTLA morning news, Rudy Maxa, AFAR magazine, Jetset Extra, Lifestyle + Charity, and Faith+Travel.

Sarah is an avid runner having completed six marathons, including Boston Marathon in 2010. She is also a published writer having written articles for Charity organizations, maintains three blogs, published an essay in Mother of Pearl: Luminous Lessons and Iridescent Faith, and has recently published her first book, Young Widow: A Memoir. Sarah has helped organize and host fundraisers in Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York for various charities. She has also helped lead the Young Professionals Group for Hands of Hope, which organized and hosted numerous charity events. Raised in Minnesota, having spent five years in Chicago, she now currently resides in Los Angeles when not traveling the globe.