The Heart That Breaks

This morning as I drove to my fitness class in Venice, I passed many homeless men and women walking on the sidewalks. There seemed to be more than usual, and I watched from my car as they dug through the trash while gathering plastic bottles and searching for food. One man, who looked particularly dirty, was turning in circles over and over and over again. My heart ached for him and as I drove past, I found myself praying specifically for him. Who takes care of this poor man? This poor man who is obviously mentally unstable and alone? I couldn't shake the depression that washed over me. I pass by homeless men and women almost every day and so I wondered why it bothered me so much more today than other days. Perhaps it is because there were so many more, or perhaps it is because tomorrow marks what would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary had my husband not died 5 years ago in a plane crash.

Over the past five years I have had many friends and family surround me and help me in ways that have sustained me. I have built a "new" life and I am now engaged and soon to marry a wonderful man. This, however, does not mean I never grieve the past. Planning a wedding while dealing with the emotions of what would have been an eleven year wedding anniversary to a now deceased spouse is confusing and emotional. How could it not be? Life goes on, yes. But the heart does not forget the ones we loved and love still. Life is not black and white. To me, it seems mostly grey.

As I think about the support and love I received from others, I feel responsible to help those in need in return. To further solidify this feeling, I read the following verse today:

2 corinthians 1: 3-4

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."


I may not be able to do much, but I can do something. We all can. That said, tomorrow I am going to pass out sandwiches to the homeless men and women on the street that I pass. Most importantly, I am going to do it with a smile because perhaps what they need most. We all need love and we need to feel important. Taking a few moments to look someone in the eye and show them you see them and that you care, can mean the world. I know it has always meant the world to me.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. " Havelock Ellis (1859 - 1939 )British psychologist

I came across this quote today and as I read it, I nodded in agreement. As a young widow, I struggled to find the balance of letting go of my grief for Mark, yet holding on to the memories and the love we shared. There was often confusion, guilt, and pain in learning how to live without him. They say time heals, and it does. However, it doesn't let you fully forget. I can look back on the past 5 years and say I did my best to live life in a way that honored Mark, yet allowed me to move towards a new life without him. This is what I knew he would want and ultimately what I knew I needed to do as well. It is amazing to look back and see what a struggle it was. To look back and see how much I kicked and screamed to let go of him and how I thought I was honoring him by "hanging on." I have learned to think differently about it now and I have done my best to move forward while also remembering, honoring, and loving him forever. He has made me a better person and I will always cherish him. 

Too Many Young Widows

Last night I received yet another email from someone reaching out to me because they have someone in their life who has been widowed too young. It amazes me how many young widows I now know and how many have become friends. As I spent some quiet time alone this morning, I was struck with the idea to post a blog in which other young widows and widowers could find some community. My desire is that those who have been widowed, or those who know young widows/widowers, can post their thoughts and seek advice from others. That said, if you are a young widow/widower or close to someone who is and you want to publish on this blog, please contact me at: wauterlek@mac.com.

Blessings and peace,

Sarah

Young Widow: A Memoir

Click here to Purchase Sarah's book, Young Widow: A Memoir

Young Widow is a raw and expressive journal of the year following the unexpected death of Sarah’s husband, Mark. At only 29 years old and without children, Sarah had to deal with the loss of her husband, lover, and best friend. She writes about the feelings, events, struggles, and inspiration she experiences over the following year. Young Widow is an uncensored look into the feelings and experiences of a young widow in the midst of her grief.

Quotes from Young Widow: A Memoir:

"Time is a difficult thing to measure. You measure it in seconds, minutes, hours, days, and so on. However, in the initial moments of tragedy it feels as though time ceases to be a tangible thing to measure. It feels as though it stops altogether, and yet, somehow, minutes, hours, and days continue to go by. What once seemed like a twenty-four-hour period of time no longer feels the same. I don’t remember the passing of time that afternoon when I found out Mark had died. I simply remember John, Vicky, Mike, and myself sitting in the suffocating silence of my living room. We sat there staring quietly at the ceiling as the clock kept ticking, but all of our hearts had stopped beating."

"Shock is a thief. It steals reality from you, as well as entire passages of time. However, it ironically acts as your protector. It keeps you from feeling the full magnitude of the sorrow. It allows it in, but only in manageable pieces. Piece by piece you eventually feel all the sorrow but still have lost the passages of time. Shock simply won’t let you feel the reality and the intensity of all the many losses that the one loss fully represents. Shock is perhaps the best word to describe my feelings in the days after Mark’s death. I am able to recall only fragments of my life at that time. For that I am grateful. I don’t want to remember those days."

In the midst of my grief, I searched for resources to help me and found that there were few for young widows/widowers. There were also very few books that dealt with the journey of the first year after the loss of a spouse in the form of a journal or memoir. Most books I found were written as “what to expect” and also written years after the author had experienced the loss. The most comforting book that I read was CS Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. Using this as inspiration, I decided to look into having my own journal published as a means to help other young widows, young widowers, and their family and friends who seek to understand and support them in their grief.

-Sarah 

Author Information: Sarah Wauterlek

Video of Sarah's Story

“I am a travel enthusiast, photographer, runner, foodie, writer, teacher, adventure-seeker, lover of laughter, lover of people, and lover of life. In the last five years, I have especially found that life is full of great adventure and satisfaction when you say “yes” to the opportunities that you are given and in return you give back to those in need.”

Sarah was raised in Minnesota and at the impressionable age of fourteen she traveled with her Father, an Ophthalmologist, on a medical mission trip to Ghana, Africa. Having lived a comfortable life in suburban Minnesota, she was overwhelmed with the poverty that she saw on her first trip to the third world. It greatly impacted her life decisions moving forward and it was because of the experience and the inspiration of her Father that she wanted to pursue a career that would help others. As a result, Sarah attended Bethel University and graduated with a BA in Elementary Education. She taught first and second grade for seven years in both Minnesota and Illinois. She received a Masters in Education and was part of leadership initiatives.

In 2007 after losing her husband, Mark, in a plane crash, she decided to change careers.  At this time she was informed that the photographs she took in Africa for her Mother In-Law’s charity, Hands of Hope, helped to raise thousands of dollars for them. As a result, she decided to pursue photography as a profession by enrolling in classes at Columbia College. The following years Sarah spent traveling around the world taking photographs for various charities as Sarah Wauterlek Photography. She has exhibited her work downtown LA and was chosen as a semi-finalist for RAW artists.

Sarah met Tania Martin on a trip to India in 2009 and in discovering their combined passion for travel and charity work, they founded Traveler’s Gift Vacations. With extensive travel experience and knowledge of charity work world wide, Sarah and Tania design custom vacations in countries all around the world for individuals, corporate, and alumni groups seeking to combine purpose and luxury in travel. In 2011 Traveler's Gift Vacations was selected as a winner for the British Airways Face of Opportunity contest and has been featured recently on KTLA morning news, Rudy Maxa, AFAR magazine, Jetset Extra, Lifestyle + Charity, and Faith+Travel.

Sarah is an avid runner having completed six marathons, including Boston Marathon in 2010. She is also a published writer having written articles for Charity organizations, maintains three blogs, published an essay in Mother of Pearl: Luminous Lessons and Iridescent Faith, and has recently published her first book, Young Widow: A Memoir. Sarah has helped organize and host fundraisers in Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York for various charities. She has also helped lead the Young Professionals Group for Hands of Hope, which organized and hosted numerous charity events. Raised in Minnesota, having spent five years in Chicago, she now currently resides in Los Angeles when not traveling the globe.